My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
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Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.