Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
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I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!