I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
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ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
just having fun
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
LOL
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…