[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
best first i’ve ever seen
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …