Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Put the is in disheveled
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…