I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
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ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]