[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
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I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Dolls on drugs
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.