Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
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GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.