A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
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Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.