Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
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“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
bears
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I hope this email finds you in a well
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics