I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
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everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.