I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
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[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Choose your fighter
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Liquor Store Parking
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”