The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
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If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…