And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Twitter fine art
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?