It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
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If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
A small tragedy.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
japanese corn
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”