If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
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[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket