Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
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People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
The Joker was right
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?