The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Florida man
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.