[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
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Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Breaking news:
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio