BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
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I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.