Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
My teenage children choosing violence
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Perfect
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
🙀🙀🙀😹
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.