My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
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My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
doing your own taxes
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.