Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
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*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I bet birds love this building.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.