Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
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time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet