Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”