date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
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ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Pretty much! 😂👀
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
normalize having existential bread
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I like long walks away from everyone
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”