when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
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[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Oceanography is all about current events
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
same bro
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
All excellent questions
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.