As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
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Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.