I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
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My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
philosophical skeletons be like
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.