There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen