I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.