My patience has stretch marks.
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We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
🤣
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us