‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
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“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man