Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
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I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.