People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
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Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
DOOO EEEET