God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
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I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
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