Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
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Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
#Caturday
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!