[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
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People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
What a year we’ve had this week.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names