If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
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Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?