accurate
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Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.