I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
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Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Challenge accepted.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.