coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*weighs self after shaving
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??