[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
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if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Found the job I’m suited for
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick