i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
You Might Also Like
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.