I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
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[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The only equipped I am is ill.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
But wait…
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo