Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
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Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar