Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
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What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
the rocks need my help
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Somebody call the cops.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.