HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
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Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.