Your secret is safeish with me
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I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
This guy’s not having it 😆
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder