one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
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My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.