Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
what’s the point then??
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!